Monday 14 January 2013

Medieval Drug Addict Killer Rabbits (NSFW)


Today I came across the website “Discarding Images,” dedicated to medieval book paintings.  And then my afternoon was lost.

It all started with this.


I can only assume this is a rabbit hyped up on drugs attempting to steal a kite from a knight who is distracted with doing the Invisible Limbo.

Besides kites, medieval rabbits had a variety of hobbies.  Here is one playing bagpipes made out of other animals, serenading a man/saytr with a bear head coming out of his butt.


Sometimes rabbits got into disputes, which would be settled via the time-honored dispute-settlement system of jousting.  This one, riding an old man that has developed snail armor, takes issue with a dog that has forced an unwilling rabbit to be his steed.


Other rabbits have less mercy.


But let’s face it; rabbits aren’t the only ones who get into violent fights.  Humans are known for going for the throat in a blind rage.  And sometimes getting the throat isn’t quite sufficient to take out your enemy. 


After all, it’s only a flesh wound.


Speaking of dismemberment, apparently this depicts beavers gnawing off their own testicles and throwing them at hunters so they will not be killed.  The men look awfully smug at their haul of beaver testicles, and the “beavers” look like raccoons about to pass out from pain and blood loss. 
 
Now things start to get weird.


A man vomits into a cup and pees into a bowl while tearing at his hair.  At his side, Frankenstein’s bride seems to be in mid-construction, with heart not yet in place and the skull flip-top still unhinged.  I’m assuming it is female just because of some strategic blood flows, but the chest looks like it was sewn together using whatever pieces were left lying around.  Maybe the left figure’s bodily fluids are necessary to complete construction of the other one?  Either that or this is seriously the worst frat party ever.

On the topic of the formation of human beings, here is an interesting take on Eve’s construction from Adam’s rib. 


Eve is already orating before she even has a lower torso.  And Adam is already falling asleep as she talks.  This sets a precedent for all future male-female interactions.  Also apparently there were a lot of animal tongues stuck out at the formation of woman.  The animal kingdom was not too impressed with the development.

Some animals came to enjoy what human females had to offer, though.


The description says the nun is breastfeeding the monkey, which leads me to wonder how she has the breast-milk available in the first place.  Maybe medieval nuns just had some kinky taste. 

Finally, we end with the medieval version of goatse.  I recommend averting your eyes now.


There are an awful lot of pooping pictures in marginalia.  I selected this one because it appears in a Psalter.  Apparently some scribes were not impressed by the Psalms.  Either that, or they were just crappy artists. *badum-ching*

21 comments:

  1. Does anyone have any statistics on levels of LSD use during medieval times? I'm guessing that history was more groovy than previously thought.

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    1. Well, apparently the beaver testicles were thought to be excellent medicine, which tells you something about the kinds of things that were being ingested for health purposes....

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  2. Now I know where Disney got the idea for Bugs Bunny. The last picture, with the man turning his head round to look at the viewer, also seems to have influenced modern 'performers'. But why is his poo-hole un-molested? And what is that creature nibbling his scrotum?

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    1. Perhaps the image is a pre-molestation shot. And I'm not sure about a scrotum-nibbling creature, but if the beaver testicles as medicine says anything about societal health practices, I'd be watching my bits if I were him.

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    2. I was just thinking the same...bugs bunny was a bit naughty but his antics deserved detention at best.

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    3. Beavers were believed to castrate themselves in order to confuse/flee predators. In the bestiary tradition, this was seen as akin to forswearing sex in order to avoid sin.

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    4. Thank you, Anonymous! I would certainly be confused if I saw a beaver castrating itself.

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  3. Remind me to never get a rabbit high- it will stand on two legs and try to take over the world.
    I found Adam's nondescript groin area and Eve's man hands to be genuinely disturbing.
    People always talk about how lewd modern day entertainment is- And then you see a medieval depiction of a butthole. wow.

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    1. It makes you worry a little about the use of animals in drug testing, doesn't it? I see a film coming out of this.

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  4. Why!?! Why were the Medieval artists so messed up? People say that TV, movies and video games are leading to warped perceptions? My counter argument is every medieval anything. Why did I read this, see this, scroll back up to see if that monkey was wearing glasses, wonder why hunters would want to eat beavers that gnaw off their own testes, and stare at weird human snail things right before bed? The horror.

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    1. These are powerful questions. They say history is cyclical; perhaps art is the same, and we are just now re-achieving the level of artistry of the butthole.

      Also, I wonder whether that monkey is actually adolescent Curious George developing new avenues of curiosity.

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  5. I was very distracted by the wee little red butt plugs that seemed to be following the rabbits around. There really is a lot of backside related imagery here, isn't there!

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    1. Yes, apparently there were some scribes with serious anal issues. I had never associated rabbits with butt plugs before.

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  6. Wow! I totally get the use of the Holy Hand Grenade now!

    Also... my favorite line of this entire blog: "Now things start to get weird." You, my dear Sarcastic Ninja, have a gift for understatement!

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    1. Little known fact: that movie was actually a documentary.

      And thank you, sir. It does make me reflect on my life that presenting pictures of gnawed-off beaver testicles doesn't *quite* squeeze under the category of "weird."

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  7. I interpreted that first pic as being of a knight holding a shield while a rabbit with Spiderman like super powers is trying to sling it away from him. I'm guessing your description is more accurate since I'm guessing Spiderman wasn't around in medieval times, right?

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    1. ...Or was Spiderman based on medieval legends of violent mutant spider-bitten rabbits? And if not, then that is an excellent idea for a comic book. Like Usagi Yojimbo but with superpowers.

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  8. My favorite one is the jousting one. Too bad those half snail/half bearded man things went extinct shortly after the time of that artwork.

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    1. It was a sad day for both biodiversity and rabbit jousting.

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  9. I'm pretty impressed that the man can vomit into a cup, tear out his hair, pee into a cup and POOP IN ANOTHER ONE.

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    1. Those are some advanced-level internal organ evacuation techniques right there, mastered by only a select few bodily fluid fetishists.

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