Sunday 30 December 2012

Rebels Without a Cause: Divine Edition


This week’s artwork is a treat that I have been saving for a special occasion.  We’ve reached the end of another year without major horseman sightings or planetary core explosions, and also this is SARFT’s 50th post, which is almost as momentous.  Thus, I present to you the Fall of the Rebel Angels by Pieter Bruegel.


There is so much going on in the picture, you will see something different every time.  The following is just a selection of the first things that caught my eye.  It might be a fun New Year’s Day hangover activity to see what different details you observe.  If you look at it under the influence of other substances, I take no responsibility for the results.

So let’s begin with the bird-lizard unbuttoning its stomach to reveal a batch of cracking eggs full of blackness.  


I think a lot of women would prefer if they could just unbutton the ol’ womb to release their babies.  Seems like a lot less mess, anyway.  Maybe it was a feature that was removed from humans as punishment for their involvement with the fallen angels.

Looking on at the button-down hatching are a couple of adorable doggies wearing crowns.


There’s also a deformed pig with bad teeth wearing a red bedsheet turban and a crown of thorns laced with pearls.  Instead of carrying his knife somewhere inconvenient like a side holster, he keeps it strapped over his eye, in case anyone throws any vegetables at his face sideways.

From there, we move on to an upset-looking lady with disjointed elbows and nothing below her ribcage.  


I’m not sure what she’s contributing to the battle.  Maybe she has a supersonic scream?  I’d be screaming if I was reduced to half a torso and my arms were broken, anyway.

On the warrior side of things, there is the fearsome Sandwich-Board Man.  


He seems to have taken design tips from female fantasy armor principles: less is more. By covering his bum and key front bits, a token fragment of chain mail, and some pointless frills off the back of the helmet, he will be totally defended. 

But you know what is more fearsome than a scantily clad man with a scimitar?   BEES.


A flying tied-up dog-thing in a spiked collar is brutally attacked by a giant moth bearing a killer beehive.  HEAVEN’S ULTIMATE WEAPON.

Next to this stinging blow, we have Hell’s Kirby.


With fish fins and beaver teeth, the adorable video game icon is transformed into a horrifying soulless creature that will fly in your window and gnaw you to death before swallowing your bits and absorbing your life force.

Moving along with fishy things, here are a couple of whales with arms locked either in Kama Sutra passion or a death-struggle.


This one was mostly noted because of the horrified human face below them going “OH GOD MUTANT KILLER WHALE FIGHT. OR SEX.”

Next up: a mandolin-lobster.


The armor in the background suggests that robots may also be involved in this battle.

Last but not least, this poor fish-man is desperately trying to defend his basket of innocent baby fishlings, while a “good” angel calmly shield-punches them into oblivion before chopping their heads off.  


At least, I assume it’s supposed to be a good angel – it would certainly make a more interesting story if the normal-looking ones were the rebel angels, causing havoc amongst the innocent creatures below.  In any case there is a dinosaur skeleton there, suggesting all these creatures once roamed the land and were tragically made extinct.  Maybe dinosaurs were actually either rebel angels who suffered divine retribution, or were destroyed by rebel angels running amok.  Either way it paints a badass picture of an angel-dinosaur battle.  And it's important to learn all theories of how the Earth and its life came to exist or cease to exist.

So that’s what I see.  Sadly no one wants to go with me to art museums anymore because they “can’t unsee these things” and “the nightmares last for weeks.”  Thus, I have to share these things with you, dear readers.  Thank you for reading, and have a happy, apocalypse-free New Year!

18 comments:

  1. Most of the artistically-deranged nut-jobs you present peter out before the edges of their canvas, but you've found one here that I would trust to do an entire ceiling of Owl Towers (if only I could stand his/her work). wall to wall, corner to corner madness of the shrieking kind.

    Do you think it's the paint thinners fumes or some ingredient in the Paris Green?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like to imagine if Bruegel had been given the Sistine Chapel job, how different visitor reactions to the Vatican would be. But certainly Owl Towers would be spectacular adorned with such wonderment! It might help keep the servants cowering in their places.

      Delete
  2. There is so much going on in the painting and your post. Hilarious. Congrats on the 50 posts. The line, "I think a lot of women would prefer if they could just unbutton the ol’ womb to release their babies," made me laugh and nearly vomit as I pictured it happening. Then when you called that pink thing "Hell Kirby" I lost it. I certainly hope Pieter Bruegel got the mental health treatment he so desperately needed as evidenced by this painted depiction of madness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks very much! I do strive to combine reactions of laughter and vomiting when possible. Apparently Bruegel is considered by some to be "the greatest Flemish painter of the 16th century," so I guess that says something about Flemish painters of that era in general.

      Delete
  3. I'm pleasantly surprised by the number of butt holes releasing gas in this picture. Flatulence is always such an overlooked concept in he classics.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very true. The delicate plumes can add so much to a tasteful picture, representing struggle, releasing of tension, and the human condition. And fart jokes.

      Delete
  4. Dude, what kind of medieval acid was this guy on??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some variety that was quite popular with Flemish painters in the 16th century, but which I am fairly certain is now very illegal. I think it might still be popular with certain Japanese comic book artists, though.

      Delete
  5. The rear armour plate on the sandwich man looks suspiciously like a loo seat from which his arse crack is visible. Could shitting be an effective defence against angels?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It might be; defecation certainly causes some beings to recoil. Alternatively, it might be that their flatulence is an effective toxic gas against the divine.

      Delete
  6. That thing with the eggs looks like it's laughing. Oh god is that what happens when you laugh too hard?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This seems like an important thing one should be taught in health class. Does that mean that a really good comedian could be classed as a lethal weapon?

      Delete
  7. Give me the 'rebel angels' any day; the other ones look so dull in comparison. Bruegel for ever!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome to the blog! The rebel angels do look much more interesting. Maybe that's why they rebelled when God decided man was to be the epitome of creation?

      Delete
  8. Is this the same guy that did the animation for the Yellow Submarine movie?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It may be his reincarnated form. There are some pretty good precursors for the Blue Meanies in there...

      Delete
  9. AAAh Bruegel, you do it to me every time! I ALMOST like you as much as Bosch. Almost.

    ReplyDelete