Wednesday 10 April 2013

It's Tough to Be the Queen - Part 9


Dear readers, this week we turn again to the ongoing Medici Cycle saga.  And this one is a doozy.  Last time, after like nine other paintings, Marie was finally coronated as the Queen of France.  There were angels and it rained gold coins and everything.  Marie was crowned on 13 May, 1610. 

Then, her husband, Henry, was tragically assassinated.  This happened…on 14 May, 1610.

TOTALLY A COINCIDENCE.  And Marie was of course quite reluctant to take full control of the regency.  Sorry, did I say reluctant?  I meant that she took it up the same day her husband was murdered.  Out of a sense of duty to the country, I am sure.

This painting is called the “Death of Henry IV and the Proclamation of the Regency.”  And it is the best representation of an assassination, ever.


Henry is spirited away to the skies, looking understandably concerned at being dragged bodily by two men clothed only in sheets while being harassed by an eagle armed with lightning bolts. 


Back on earth, there is an effort to keep him in the mortal realm.  Not by his wife, of course, but rather by a fire-breathing snake grabbing his ankle.


His wife is already seated on the throne beneath a triumphal arch, “reluctantly” receiving the orb of power from France, whose bosom is dangling all over the place, because it is France.


Meanwhile, Marie has suddenly become a very eligible bachelorette, judging by the throngs of drooling men suddenly clawing at her throne.


Somehow it seems the menfolk weren’t coming a-knocking in quite such numbers BEFORE she was Queen of France, but I am sure this is entirely related to her womanly charms.  Although I would recommend that they all should take a close look at her dead hubby’s obituary in relation to her coronation before getting too amorous.

As a final note, what is going on with this guy??


This appears to be a disembodied zombie head protruding from a shiny shield.  Which I like think is really the message we should take away from this.  “If your husband is coincidentally assassinated one day after you come into a position to get a lot of power from his death, beware the zombie hordes that will come for you from another dimension out of all reflective surfaces.”
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14 comments:

  1. Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point10 April 2013 at 14:01

    It seems like back then it wasn't so much that you "died" as it was you were "kidnapped to heaven".

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja11 April 2013 at 00:47

      Really, I'd be ok with that. Being kidnapped to heaven sounds more pleasant than being brutally murdered.

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  2. Gorilla Bananas10 April 2013 at 15:46

    I'd say Madame La France's boobies are demurely exhibited compared with the ripe pair on display in the centre of the painting. It's one of those frustrating situations where there might have been a full-blown orgy if everyone hadn't been so power-hungry.

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja11 April 2013 at 00:49

      I've never known power-hunger to stop an orgy. Just look at modern politicians.

      Delete
  3. Hippo10 April 2013 at 15:51

    Re the zombie, just as they had food tasters, they also had royal hairspray testers round the necks of whom they fitted these devices to stop them rubbing their eyes and spoiling the results of the test.

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja11 April 2013 at 00:52

      Ah ha! Of course! It was so important to have a perfectly coiffed 'do in the aristocracy. And animals were to valuable to test on, as seen by the faithful dog constantly by the queen's side. It would have to be a peasant.

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  4. Pickleope10 April 2013 at 18:34

    Ha ha ha ha! I can't imagine what's to come if there's a part 10. If I hadn't seen all previous installments, I would almost feel bad for ol' King Hank. It just seems to me that being royalty back then was a nightmare. Forget it, just request to be a Duke or a "Sir" or something other than true royalty. It's not worth it. What IS going on with that guy? And is that other guy giving Marie the gift of a shovel? Smooth, Lothario.

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja11 April 2013 at 00:56

      This is only like halfway through the series. Marie wanted a THOROUGH epic portrayal of her life. I'm sure being royalty was fine, as long as you had a death wish (for yourself and/or others). I assume that the gift of the shovel is so that she can bury her not-yet-cold husband's body.

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  5. Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous11 April 2013 at 01:47

    France, stop showing your boobs off! This is why we can't go anyplace nice!

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja11 April 2013 at 23:41

      It's no use. France refuses to bow to silly conventions like 'clothes.'

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  6. The Owl Wood11 April 2013 at 05:17

    I'm awfully sorry but this "marry 'em one day and kill 'em the next" routine is just too close to home for me to be comfortable enough to comment.

    I won't go into details or anything because then all of the in-laws would be able to recognise themselves and I'd be in trouble.

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja11 April 2013 at 23:44

      "Marry or Murder" sounds like a game for adolescent girls with stronger-than-normal sociopathic tendencies.

      And ALWAYS beware of the in-laws.

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  7. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd12 April 2013 at 10:34

    That poor lady ran so fast to get the orb of power to the queen her top fell down. And I bet she'd had nightmares about just that, too. The old "show up naked to present the orb of power" dream.

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja17 April 2013 at 12:45

      She'd spent weeks training for that very moment, and then BAM. Prime Time Wardrobe Failure.

      Delete

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