Sunday, 12 October 2014

This One Pic Will Blow Your Notions of Moses Out Of The Water

Ok, more like it will fish them out of the water, where they have been stored in a waterproof basket.  But that doesn’t help me practice my Preposterous Clickbait Title Generation Skills.

Moses.  You may be familiar with him as that guy who talked to flaming shrubbery.  Or who told his brother to turn all the water in Egypt into the world’s biggest blood bank.  Or who really hated golden livestock (but magical bronze snakes were ok).  However, today we’re going to look back on an episode Before He Was Famous.

The story goes that in Egypt the Pharaoh was none too impressed with the Hebrew people thriving, so he wanted all the infant boys murdered.  To save her baby, Young Moses’ mother hid him in a basket and put it in the river.  Pharaoh’s daughter went to bathe in the river with some handmaidens and was like “OMG what a cute basket!  Wait, there is a live baby in it.  That will make it harder to hold Daddy’s collection of dead babies.”  But ultimately she decides to let the baby live for some reason.
The Finding of Moses, Veronese, probably 1570/1575 (Source)
This painting depicts this episode.  I would just like to point out that this is supposed to be the princess of Egypt.

I have seen vampires with more of a tan.   

Additionally, the princess seems to have brought along some more questionable “handmaidens” to her bath.  Like this one, who clearly thinks the lady has become a basketcase…

Or this alternate-reality version of Tyrion Lannister, who pursued his childhood dream of becoming a jester.

Perhaps most striking, though, is what these ladies are up to.

They are running around like “AHHHH!  BABIES IN THE WATER!!  I hope I didn’t get any on me!!  Do you think it’s contagious?”

Sadly, worse things were in store for Egypt than a Plague of Water Babies.


  1. The look overdressed for a picnic by the riverbank, so they must have been expecting a celebrity to turn up. He may have been the dwarf rather than Moses. A dwarf holding a big horn is never a minor occurrence.

    1. This is true. Maybe he was the Kenny G of Biblical Egypt.

  2. Did she have the baby but hasn't shed that baby weight yet? Yuck-o.
    Your Preposterous Clickbait Title Generation Skills are strong. I clicked.
    That basket doesn't look very buoyant. Never mind the blatant racism implied or the anti-little-person sentiment, I'm worried about that fictional baby.

    1. There is good reason to be concerned about that fictional baby. There is also good reason to be concerned about the blatant racism and size-ism. Egypt was a rough place for some.

      Fun fact: with this title, I've gotten almost 20% more views in less than 24 hours than my last post has in total. I'll just ignore the fact that I'm working with numbers that could be mistaken for public school class sizes.

  3. Excellent title - I really thought I'd been sent an email from BuzzFeed. Now you just have to put a few words from each of your paragraphs on a page and make people click forward to read the next sentence.

    1. If I ever reach that place, somebody please slap me.