Friday, 12 October 2012

He Likes Big Butts (and He Can Not Lie) (NSFW)


Today we’re looking at a few paintings by François Boucher, an 18th century French painter.
Could you guess he was French?  (François Boucher, Portrait by Gustav Lundburg)
Also I will warn you right off, this entry has even more naked bits than usual, so probably best not to be perusing it when your boss is around.  Unless s/he’s into animal rape, in which case hey, you learned something new about your boss!*

*Warning: I am going for my most offensive post yet.

The story goes that Zeus (a.k.a. Jupiter, that paragon of ideal marriage) gets horny and goes to earth to get it on with a woman called Leda.  To do this, he decides the best course of action is to take on the form of a swan.  Leda is then either seduced or raped by said swan, whichever you find less disturbing.
What, you thought I meant the animal was raped?  Welcome to mythology
 So apparently Leda liked to hang around naked in the first place, wearing nothing but her favorite strand of arm-pearls.  I don’t know who the other woman is supposed to be.  But I DO know that Boucher really liked to paint women in that pose.


Are you sure you don’t want me to wear the jewelry instead of lying next to it?  (Odalisque)
This girl is clearly like fourteen.  (Nude on a Sofa)
Even the hairstyle is basically the same.  I guess he liked to get ladies around to his studio, meticulously pin their hair to their head, and then say, “Well, I’m really just interested in your delightfully soft bum, but I guess I could paint your face in too if you insist.”

So anyway.  The Zeus-swan appears, and the two ladies at least look alarmed at having a giant bird aggressively approach them.  I know I would be alarmed.  A swan could snap your femur with its neck.  

But this was not the only Leda-and-Swan picture Boucher painted.
Source: When Art History Goes Bad
Really?  Swan erotica?  I mean, I guess at least here it appears to be consensual lady-swan relations, but would a swan really perform good cunnilingus?  Wouldn’t the beak be an issue?  But then the whole concept of a swan getting it on with a fully-grown human woman has some serious logistics issues all around.  Why am I even thinking about these questions?  Blast you, art!

And thus we have the classical equivalent of a fetishist magazine in a brown paper wrapper.

21 comments:

  1. I loved this post ... although I must admit that that last swan is going to give me nightmares!

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    1. You and me both...I live near a pond with a bunch of swans living in it, and I will never look at them the same way again.

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  2. This is all very confusing. Why is a swan's beak so perfect for pleasuring a lady? It's quite hard, admittedly, but it lacks both depth and a sensitive touch. I give the artist credit for his interest in the vagina, but he shouldn't have allowed himself to be influenced by a silly Greek myth. The Japanese had a much better understanding of what kind of animal would satisfy a woman's needs.

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    1. I suppose that would technically be a more effective coupling for female enjoyment. Somehow I don't think pleasuring the lady was Zeus' foremost concern, though. I'll keep my ears open for the resurfacing of a myth about him turning into a Kraken and having an orgy with a roomful of women.

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  3. I never thought I'd write this sentence but: Being raped by a swan is way less disturbing than being seduced by a swan. And thank you for making me think about that. Stupid art. What was it about this story about Zeus made ol' Franky Bouche think, "Hey, the world needs a finely painted representation of a swan sniffing all up in some lady's bits"?

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    1. Maybe the artist was pondering the logistical challenges presented by the story, so the bird got depicted scoping out the terrain and thinking, "Now what?"

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  4. And with that, some of the freakiest fanfiction ever to grace the internet is born.

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    1. Furries had much more refined taste in artistic representation in the 18th century.

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  5. Dear gods, you should have put a "Look away now, Nellies" notice on that post. I shall be boiling my eyes in Domestos for the rest of the weekend now. I don't suppose that they will ever again feel clean, synchronised or entirely under my control.

    p.s. Technical opinion: what a chuffin' freak.

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    1. My apologies for the disturbing images. I will try to think of a better warning next time beyond "This post contains animal rape."

      Researching for this blog has really opened my eyes to how many freaks there are in the art world. Also why there should never, ever be an illustrated volume of Greek myths.

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  6. Enjoy your SEO search term nightmare.

    (That's my shortest comment ever!)

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    1. The search terms coming up were getting boring, so I knew I had to so something. Nothing like Satanic cookware, of course.

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    1. It's the aggressively spread wings that say, "I will MOW YOU DOWN and PIN YOU with my IMMENSE BIRDNESS."

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  8. She seems totally ambivalent to the swan, like she either doesn't notice or is like, "whatever, good luck with all that."

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    1. It's possible that the swan followed her home and that's just how she hangs out after a hard day's lounging by the lake.

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  9. Oh Em Gee. That last one is just...wow. And, um, wow...

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    1. I apologize for things that cannot be unseen.

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  10. FASCINATING... I wonder why in the blue hell a deity would choose to take on the form of a swan as a means to go to earth and fornicate with his lady friend/rape victim?
    Swans are not terribly sexy.

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    1. They really aren't. But then, he had a lot of affairs. Maybe he was bored with all the regular extramarital sex, so it was his version of trying to "spice things up:" bestial rape!

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  11. I think it's rather sexy and not rapey. But then, I'm a strange woman.

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