Grab Bag: The Fab, The Drab, and The Nightmarish Fruit Demon

Dear readers, after a glut of pious and/or fleshy works, I thought I would challenge myself to snark about some paintings which A) are not obviously religious and B) feature no naked people.  I realize this will not be a popular post, since the top two search terms of all time that bring people here are “naked men” and “guardian angels,” but sometimes one must stretch beyond one’s comfort zone for art.  

At first I thought I would write something about this:

 

A Polish Nobleman – Rembrandt van Rijn, 1637

I love this guy.  He is so fabulous.  Few men I know can rock a giant pearl drop earring like him.  But then he gave me this look:

As if to say, “Jestem smutny, że kpić moją wspaniałą kulturę.”  Which is what Google Translate tells me is Polish for “I am sad you mock my glorious culture.”  Although for all I know, it could be anything.  For example, "Just smut, the pic of my Spanish cult style."

So then I thought I would try this one:

 

Workmen before an Inn – Isack von Ostade, 1645

It’s basically like 17^th century Dutch Thomas Kinkade, but with more dogs fighting over scraps and disabled beggars hobbling through the romantic, softly glowing streets.

It was a bit dry otherwise though.  So, ultimately I decided to present you with this:

 

Four Seasons in One Head – Giuseppe Arcimboldo, c. 1590

The person I was with at the gallery when I first saw this was like “Why are you recoiling at a still life of fruit and sticks?” and I went “DON’T YOU SEE IT IS A TERRIFYING WARTY TREE MAN” and she went “AHHHHH” and then neither of us could eat cherries ever again because they might have been plucked from an old toothless tree man’s earwax.

Although I give him kudos for the rockin’ grass-and-floral islandwear. 

All images are from the National Gallery of Art.