Friday, 18 July 2014

Judgment Day: Drug-Addled Torture Porn for Renaissance Germans



So the other day, I said to myself, “You know, self, you haven’t reviewed a freaky painting of hellish torture in ages.”  

So then, because I hadn’t had any nightmares in a while, I looked up some Hieronymus Bosch paintings.  In the end, however, it was this copy of a painting of the Last Judgment by German Renaissance painter Lucas Cranach the Elder (modeled after Bosch) that jumped out at me as being particularly special.  As the post title subtly suggests, it’s also not for the faint of heart, so to give those who don’t appreciate images of people impaled on trees and dancing demon heads a chance to leave, here is a picture of an adorable hedgehog with a raspberry.
 
Source
Have we gotten rid of all the people who prefer tastefulness and a balanced mental state?  Good.  Here we go.
 
The Last Judgment – Lucas Cranach the Elder, c. 1524 (Source)

Ok, so there is a lot going on here.  Way too much here to look at every detail, so we’ll just look at some highlights.

First off, here is Jesus, busy judging people.


But the disciples are more interesting, huddling and covering their faces in terror.  The guy on the right gestures to the scene below and says to his companion, “Good heavens, I knew judgment would be rough, but I didn’t realize it would involve scimitar-wielding demons wearing laundry baskets and UGG boots!”


Really, Mr. Scimitar Laundry Basket is the least of the sinful soul’s worries at the end times.  After all, you might be trussed up like a pig, shot with an arrow by an anthropomorphic platypus, and hauled off to be roasted as the supper of two heads with feet but no torsos, arms, or legs.  


One of them looks like it really wants to be a thief in a role-playing game, and the other is turning up to Hell’s Butterfly Cosplay Contest straight from his job as a demonic chimneysweep.


Of course, for the gluttons, judgment has a perpetual stream of piss funneled from a barrel directly into your mouth.  So pretty much like a beer bong of Bud Light.  For the more refined taste, in the back a lady-demon is juicing a person into tasty Blood Wine.  Also, a soulless head wearing a helmet rides a booted seal to steal a plate of lizards.  Because JUDGMENT. 

Not everything is terrible in the end times.  You might just meet some fun folks.  


Like this lady, flirting with that attractive lizard man to the dulcet sounds of a monkey on a mandolin and a demon with a very flexible neck tooting his own horn, so to speak.  Another naked person reclines on a platform, getting a massage.  I’m not sure about the head with lizard feet and tail, a hat stolen from the seven dwarves, and out-of-control ear gauges.  He doesn’t seem to approve of the music.


Not all mandolin-players are friendly towards amorous couples, however.  This creature, who gets arms but no head for a change, successfully interrupts sexy fun times with a more sinister impaling.  Meanwhile, a man simultaneously gets his arm sawed off and tickled by bird tongue in the armpit, all while skewered on a tree which may or may not be on fire.  Also, in the back, a remarkably calm-looking man in a skillet gets fried up for brunch.  This is presumably to feed all the demons, who will be hungry after a hard morning of torturing souls.


Other creatures that are hungry?  This lion-hat, swallowing a fish whole.  If lion hats are not your style, you might consider a stork helmet, or the popular Blindfolded Decapitated Head on a Plate look.  To be sure to be classified as a Hell Fashionista, all should be accentuated with a roadkill frog on a shield.


Another stylish accessory option is to get Viserys’ Crown Treatment from the Creepy Blue Babushka Jewelers.

Other exciting activities during the judgment include a delightful Hell-light Gallows Whale Cruise, which offers fantastic views of the festivities….


…Or getting fitted with the latest Horseshoes for Humans.  Which I guess are just shoes.  Except hammered into your heels.  Also, you can get a new torso smelted, or the popular Butthole Enlargement with a Hot Spike treatment.


Still, all of these involve a lot of work on the part of the demons.  Isn’t there some way of punishing people with minimal effort on the part of Hell’s Hordes?


Welcome to the People Pulverizer 3000!  Powered by enslaved souls running in hamster wheels lined with spikes, just feed other souls into the funnel, and quickly and easily grind them into convenient Sinner Pulp.  Excellent for hippies who enjoy recycling and making sure to use every part of the sinner.

I leave you with the image that caught my eye first:


I know that the book of Revelation mentions dragons and three unclean spirits like frogs that appear, but must have missed the part where a suicidal firebreathing lizard slices open its own neck while hissing at a man drowning in a barrel full of blood and frogs.  

On that note, have a great weekend!

11 comments:

  1. I was probably most shocked by the Ugg Boots, until I saw the demon wearing the Hurley tee and Oakleys lurking in the back.

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    1. Yeah, Casual Friday has a certain flair in Hell.

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  2. Is there a mild anal fixation? The source of the wine in the barrel seems to be a rectum and one of the young ladies is being speared in her back passage.

    I'm not convinced the woman with the lizard boyfriend feels she is being punished. The artist must have thought the sheer depravity of fancying a lizard was punishment enough, but that sort of shame/dishonour thing wouldn't work today.

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    1. You know what they say: "Once you go reptile, you'll never accept-ile (anything but a lizard)."

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  3. Let me take you through my process reading this: "Oh boy, more crazy torture art. Awww lookit the wittle hedge...Dear Lord what is this madness!?! Someone give Jesus a sandwich. Is that sacrilegious? Am I going to end up a head with massive feet and a tail? Or just get stabbed a lot in various orifices? What was this artist on? Did he plan all of this out before painting or just smoke a ton of opium and get to arting? Are all of his dreams anal related and this is how he works out whatever guilt he has for those dreams?"
    Quite the journey.

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    1. I think the Society for Giving Jesus a Sandwich Already would be very popular in heaven.

      Also I hear the All-Opium Diet was all the rage among a certain set of painters. And many of them had probably been pretty anal.

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  4. Laundry baskets and UGG boots.... You're so right. You ARE perceptive. The People Pulverizer 3000... Ebay?

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    1. I'm sure Satan could make a TON of money on Ebay in general.

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  5. This was like playing 'Where's Waldo'. I was looking everywhere for the laundry baskets, Ugg boots, and oakleys.

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    1. Yay! It IS like Where's Waldo, only with slightly more chance of your eyes suddenly bleeding at the horror.

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