Sunday 17 August 2014

He’s Baaaaaaaack



 Another quick one this week.  Many moons ago I brought to you the touching image of Jesus bringing pizza to souls stuck in limbo.  Well, it turns out that picture was a part of a series of paintings on Jesus’ life, post-life, and after-life shenanigans.  And apparently besides flattening Satan with a garage door, his hobbies included squashing people with giant marble slabs.

 
The Resurrection – Benvenuto di Giovanni, c. 1491 (Source)

Now, I guess I missed the part of the resurrection story where, upon Jesus’ triumphant return from kicking demonic booty, he murders a legion of Roman soldiers standing guard around his tomb.  
 
The little-known fate of Naughtius Maximus, Sillius Soddus, and Biggus Dickus.
Random aside – I was unaware that Roman swords were designed for giants.  What is that on the purple guy’s pommel, an apple?  I don’t think he could grip it even if his arm weren’t on backwards.

Anyway, I think that Mary and the other ladies might have had more to say about their tomb visit if they had to reach it by picking their way across a field of broken bodies, limbs dangling in all directions.  “Hey guys!  Disciples!  Jesus is back – AND THIS TIME HE’S PISSED OFF!!”  


He looks a bit tired, with some 72-hours-in-hell shadow, but still more than badass enough to take on half a dozen soldiers, armed only with a high-end kitchen counter.
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12 comments:

  1. Amy Vansant17 August 2014 at 08:33

    People don't use the word "pommel" often enough.

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja18 August 2014 at 18:07

      Sadly, modern sword parlance leans strongly away from the technical and towards the dick joke.

      Delete
  2. Pickleope17 August 2014 at 13:05

    The more confounding is how is someone, from all reports and historical analysis, from the Middle East end up a super-pale redhead? The Roman soldiers are very colorful. Particularly the expression on the dude to the right.

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja18 August 2014 at 18:10

      I've got a very special picture lying around somewhere of baby Moses being picked up by the whitest, blondest Egyptian princess you can imagine...

      And I would have a colorful expression too, if I were crushed by a slab with perspective as awkward as that.

      Delete
  3. Gorilla Bananas17 August 2014 at 23:20

    Jesus's posture looks very camp and he seems to be giving a speech. "Now, that's what happens if you stand next to a big slab of marble, you silly boys!". I wonder where he picked up that crusader flag?

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja18 August 2014 at 18:14

      I think they hand them out at the exit of Hell as souvenirs. The back of his robe reads "I went to Hell and all I got is this stupid toga."

      Delete
  4. Blue Grumpster18 August 2014 at 08:13

    But why does he insist on showing off one male tit? That's the biggest mystery of all.

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja18 August 2014 at 18:16

      If only more ladies in ancient art would cover at least one of them...

      Delete
    2. Blue Grumpster27 August 2014 at 15:59

      Which is why I wrote a post on... tits. It all makes perfect sense. I call it the Circle of Life. So does Elton.

      Delete
    3. Sarcastic Ninja31 August 2014 at 18:38

      I'm pretty sure a circle of something is going on in this theme.

      Delete
  5. Tammy18 August 2014 at 20:28

    When did Jesus get a six pack? I guess he needed those muscles to move the marble slab.

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    1. Sarcastic Ninja23 August 2014 at 08:20

      It was all that throwing around of tables in the temple, I think.

      Delete

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