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This is "St. Nicholas Refusing His Mother’s Milk,” by an unknown artist. Apparently St. Nicholas' mother has vases for breasts. Either that, or she's pointing a flesh-colored water balloon at her son.
St. Nicholas himself appears to have been cross-bred with a caterpillar.
And this is the conversation they are having, apparently having been locked in a battle of wills for about 3 days straight.
Mother: DRINK IT. DRINK THE MILK. RIGHT NOW.
St Nicholas: NOOOOOOO. STOP POINTING THAT THING AT ME.
Mother: I'VE BEEN TAKING LESSONS FROM MARY. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE MY LASER LACTATION DEVICE.
St. Nicholas was one old looking baby. Or he was actually in his twenties when this was painted which would explain his refusal of the milk. But not why he's dressed like a caterpillar.
ReplyDeleteI think that caterpillar outfits were the hipster plaid and ironic mustaches of the 3rd century.
DeleteArg...now I have to look up why St Nick would refuse his mother's milk. That's YOUR job! That's why I love this blog is that it smartifies and entertains me with a minimum of effort!
ReplyDeleteAww, you are right, I have been remiss in my duties. Evidently he refused the milk on Wednesday and Friday evenings, which were periods of Christian fasting at the time.
DeleteSadly, it's not quite as exciting an anecdote as "Prove you're a mother!" "I'll prove it, you perv!" *pshhhhhhh*
I'll hazard a guess that the unknown artist was a monk who never saw a naked woman. Good family resemblance between mother and child, though, even though they appear to be different from different species.
ReplyDeleteI think they may have hatched from the same lineage of pod-people.
DeleteLove that water balloon. I could use this painting to decorate my booty camp.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Of course you've got mail.
I think for purposes of booty camp, a painting of naked women waving a breast milk-balloon fight would be best executed on black velvet. You know, to keep it classy.
DeleteA classy booty camp... now why didn't I think of that? You're good!
DeleteI'm a little concerned about the fact that St Nicholas looks about 45 in that one.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the whole thing is a misunderstanding, and that is an older midget St Nicholas with his mistress, having been bound in caterpillar swaddling as part of an obscure sexytime ritual.
DeleteGooooo! Some painters have some serious Oedipal Complexes. Yeah, complexes, like one layered on another, layered on another, layered on a lack of ability to paint proper human proportions and instead makes children look like 45 year old phallic worms.
ReplyDeleteI think the Phallic Worms would be an excellent name for a rock band. Maybe one consisting of 45 year olds with serious complexes. I can see their first hit single now: "Hit Me (With Your Priceless Chest Vase)."
DeleteWater balloon breasts! Exactly what I thought when I saw the painting! I am wondering if the caterpillar gene runs in the family because Mamma has what looks like a cocoon for a behind...
ReplyDeleteThat might explain a few things. Perhaps this isn't St. Nick's feeding time, so much as he is emerging from the birthing cocoon fully formed...
DeleteWhat's behind the mom? It looks like an air duct or something, or maybe another caterpillar. Maybe the dad?
ReplyDeleteProbably the Dad. They're a very close-knit family. Or rather, close-cocooned.
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