Santa Claus Is Coming (To Your Nightmares)

For children around the US, the countdown is on until a large bearded man breaks into their homes late at night, and miraculously their parents don’t try to stand their ground.   This man steals baked goods and cow juice in exchange for toys that look suspiciously like the sale offerings at Target.  Whether they are based at the North Pole or his subsidiary plants in China, his elves have been slaving away, while he himself only stirs from his home office once a year (although he’s been spotted at shopping malls inviting every child he sees to sit on his lap and tell him their deepest, darkest desires).  His name and background story change slightly in other countries, almost as if he’s got something to hide.  But who is this man, just a keyboard slip away from Satan?

Someone I don’t want anywhere near my purely hypothetical offspring, that’s who.

 

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Blood-red lips and rouged cheeks peek out from a curtain of dirty white, eyes slightly uneven as he clutches a beaded handbag possibly stolen from the Missus’ closet.  “Have this lovely dolly I made just for you, Sally!” he says, parroting the words whispered into his ear by the tiny goblin on his shoulder.

 

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This version looks more like a garden gnome that is cheerfully kidnapping your child.  “Ha ha ha, let’s go, Billy!  I will take you to a place full of candy!  Of course your parents won’t mind!”

 

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I am not sure whether this is Santa or the offspring of Jabba the Hutt and a grizzly bear.

 

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 Wes Craven's next smash hit.

 

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Pretty sure this was the model for all caricatures of 19^th century robber barons.

 

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The Grinch, age 80.

 

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Remember that one year Santa was sick, so Saruman filled in?

 

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Turn-of-the-century Santa did not limit his offering of delight to children.

 

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He apparently experimented for a while with being a gangster pimp.  Must have been something in the tobacco of the early 20^th century.

 

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But by the 40s, he was back in the spirit of giving, in the form of bullets.

 

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Toys for the boys!  Seriously, WWII Santa was terrifying. 

Fortunately, that horror is over, and we are back to good, clean fun from old St. Nick.

 

(Source: Ralf Roletschek)

The children will be so excited!