Saturday 20 December 2014

Santa Claus Is Coming (To Your Nightmares)



For children around the US, the countdown is on until a large bearded man breaks into their homes late at night, and miraculously their parents don’t try to stand their ground.   This man steals baked goods and cow juice in exchange for toys that look suspiciously like the sale offerings at Target.  Whether they are based at the North Pole or his subsidiary plants in China, his elves have been slaving away, while he himself only stirs from his home office once a year (although he’s been spotted at shopping malls inviting every child he sees to sit on his lap and tell him their deepest, darkest desires).  His name and background story change slightly in other countries, almost as if he’s got something to hide.  But who is this man, just a keyboard slip away from Satan?

Someone I don’t want anywhere near my purely hypothetical offspring, that’s who.
 
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Blood-red lips and rouged cheeks peek out from a curtain of dirty white, eyes slightly uneven as he clutches a beaded handbag possibly stolen from the Missus’ closet.  “Have this lovely dolly I made just for you, Sally!” he says, parroting the words whispered into his ear by the tiny goblin on his shoulder.
 
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This version looks more like a garden gnome that is cheerfully kidnapping your child.  “Ha ha ha, let’s go, Billy!  I will take you to a place full of candy!  Of course your parents won’t mind!”
 
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I am not sure whether this is Santa or the offspring of Jabba the Hutt and a grizzly bear.
 
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 Wes Craven's next smash hit.
 
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Pretty sure this was the model for all caricatures of 19th century robber barons.
 
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The Grinch, age 80.
 
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Remember that one year Santa was sick, so Saruman filled in?
 
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Turn-of-the-century Santa did not limit his offering of delight to children.
 
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He apparently experimented for a while with being a gangster pimp.  Must have been something in the tobacco of the early 20th century.
 
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But by the 40s, he was back in the spirit of giving, in the form of bullets.
 
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Toys for the boys!  Seriously, WWII Santa was terrifying. 

Fortunately, that horror is over, and we are back to good, clean fun from old St. Nick.

The children will be so excited!

10 comments:

  1. You didn't honestly think I'd find anything to disagree with? Imagine sending these out as Christmas cards? My goodness - you certainly have a booger collection. Do I have a favorite? Sure, the guy at the bottom with the triple scoop ice cream cone. (smirk)

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    1. These would be the Christmas cards to send when you don't want people to expect you to send them Christmas cards anymore. Relatives would go out of their way to reach out and tell you that with rising postal costs, you really shouldn't feel the need to send these antiquated greetings anymore...

      And obviously Santa looooves a big pillar of creamy treat.

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  2. I wouldn't have believed that the statue of Santa holding a dildo existed if you hadn't provided photographic evidence. The ribs on the dildo suggest the sculptor was a connoisseur of sex toys. Where is that infernal thing located?

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    1. The description on its Wikimedia entry is "Black sculpture in the shape of a dwarf, presenting a small tree in an abstract shape, reminiscent of a butt plug." Just to clarify what we are apparently looking at. And it's found in the Netherlands, of course - apparently it was first presented at a museum before being moved to the street!

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  3. Y'know, people give Santa a lot of crap for enslaving elves and only working the one day per year, but I think they're overlooking what you have helped remind me of, Santa works all year 'round, albeit in the creepiest of ways. Santa spends the entirety of his year watching children. He has to spend untold hours pouring over the minutia of children's lives...Why hasn't Santa Claus been arrested for child pornography?

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    1. You make an excellent point. I think that Santa's elves must have specializations - there's one who really good at making dolls, one can whip up a wicked skateboard - and one who is on top of all the latest in international legal bribery.

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  4. I know the last one. The people in Rotterdam, Holand, call it Santa's Dildo. No joke. Did you say Santa is coming?

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    1. Just stopping by to wish you a Happy New Year. Bottoms up. No, not you, Santa. Better keep that thing where the sun don't shine.

      :))

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    2. Belated thanks, Blue! I hope you had a happy celebration, and have ushered in a new year that will far surpass past ones in joy.

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