Monday 3 September 2012

It's Tough to Be the Queen - Part 2


Well, we’re back with another installment of the life and times of Marie de’ Medici.  Last time we saw her divine conception and birth surrounded by vaguely threatening angelic-types.  This week, we see her getting an education from Apollo, Athena, and Hermes. 
Apparently she was educated in a cave.  Either that, or her royal rooms had rocky plant-filled outcroppings, and Hermes was trying to listen in through the floor upstairs and found a weak floorboard.
While Hermes attempts to poke Marie with his snake-rod, Apollo is rocking out on a cello. 
Well, I say rocking out.  He doesn’t actually seem to be paying any attention to his music or his pupil.  Instead, he stares rather intently at…
The three Graces.  The middle one tries to distract the student from the one person actually teaching her anything by offering her pretty flowers, showing her from a young age to value the temporary cosmetic beauty that withers away after a brief season over personal intellectual enrichment from a frumpy old hag who believes in covering her bosom. 

Like the Fates earlier, the Graces are apparently not allowed to wear clothes, but unlike the Fates they are not kept busy in heaven, instead hanging around the classrooms of young queens and distracting male teachers by grabbing themselves and hanging all over each other.  Nothing says “grace” in the upbringing of a proper young girl like naked ladies. 

Finally, looking at the stuff strewn around the floor of the cave, most of it is pretty banal educational stuff: musical instruments, painting and sculpting equipment, the bust of a scary dead guy…but what about this? 
It looks like a portrait of some sort.  Is the figure watching his family get abducted or something?  Is he miserable at not having a lower half?  Tormented by an infinite future of staring up at those coquettish Graces, unable to compete with the charm of the bronzed and slack-jawed Apollo?  The world may never know.

14 comments:

  1. Clearly the portrait is frozen in carbonite. Total Han Solo horror face, you know?

    Also, damn. These gods and graces are HUGE. Assuming the young de’ Medici is somewhere in the 4'9" to 5' range... this must be, not only the educational team of the gods, but also the champions of the Mount Olympus Coed Basketball League.

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    1. My goodness, you're right! He must have said something reeeally bad to Aphrodite or something.

      Also, they make you eat special Olympian Protein Powder as a god. Good for bone growth, muscle growth, and the special nutrients for transforming into swans or summoning lightning.

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  2. The three naked chicks disturb me. Where is their pubic hair? Don't tell me they were advocating brazilians that far back!

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    1. Either that, or they are extremely well-developed prepubescents, which is possibly more disturbing...

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  3. I'm ok with the naked Graces. I feel like I would have been a supermodel in another era.

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    1. Me too! There should be a push to bring back classical beauty standards. But possibly with more bathing.

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  4. I never realized that the gods (garces) did tats. The blo
    nd clearly has a tribal (floral) arm band tat on her left arm?

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    1. I wasn't quite sure whether it was a tattoo or a jeweled armband. She looks sassy enough to have a tat, though.

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    1. Totally the classical version of "Girls Gone Wild."

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  6. The left Grace is giving the viewer a dirty look. "Take your eyes off my crotch" might be what she's thinking.

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    1. It might indeed. But if you turn up for class in the nude, I think you need to be prepared for a certain amount of staring.

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  7. I didn't even notice the tormented portrait on the ground! Maybe he's the world's first peeping Tom. That is a pretty good disguise for creeping.

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    1. It is! You need to be strategic in where you put your floor-portholes disguised as picture frames.

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