Well, we’re back with another installment of the life and
times of Marie de’ Medici. Last time we
saw her divine conception and birth surrounded by vaguely threatening
angelic-types. This week, we see her
getting an education from Apollo, Athena, and Hermes.
Apparently she was educated in a cave. Either that, or her
royal rooms had rocky plant-filled outcroppings, and Hermes was trying to
listen in through the floor upstairs and found a weak floorboard.
While Hermes attempts to poke Marie
with his snake-rod, Apollo is rocking out on a cello.
Well, I say rocking out. He doesn’t actually seem to be paying any
attention to his music or his pupil.
Instead, he stares rather intently at…
The three Graces. The middle one tries to distract the student
from the one person actually teaching her anything by offering her pretty
flowers, showing her from a young age to value the temporary cosmetic beauty
that withers away after a brief season over personal intellectual enrichment
from a frumpy old hag who believes in covering her bosom.
Like the Fates earlier, the Graces
are apparently not allowed to wear clothes, but unlike the Fates they are not
kept busy in heaven, instead hanging around the classrooms of young queens and
distracting male teachers by grabbing themselves and hanging all over
each other. Nothing says “grace” in the
upbringing of a proper young girl like naked ladies.
Finally, looking at the stuff strewn
around the floor of the cave, most of it is pretty banal educational stuff: musical
instruments, painting and sculpting equipment, the bust of a scary dead guy…but
what about this?
It looks like a portrait of some sort. Is the figure watching his family get
abducted or something? Is he miserable
at not having a lower half? Tormented
by an infinite future of staring up at those coquettish Graces, unable to
compete with the charm of the bronzed and slack-jawed Apollo? The world may never know.
Clearly the portrait is frozen in carbonite. Total Han Solo horror face, you know?
ReplyDeleteAlso, damn. These gods and graces are HUGE. Assuming the young de’ Medici is somewhere in the 4'9" to 5' range... this must be, not only the educational team of the gods, but also the champions of the Mount Olympus Coed Basketball League.
My goodness, you're right! He must have said something reeeally bad to Aphrodite or something.
DeleteAlso, they make you eat special Olympian Protein Powder as a god. Good for bone growth, muscle growth, and the special nutrients for transforming into swans or summoning lightning.
The three naked chicks disturb me. Where is their pubic hair? Don't tell me they were advocating brazilians that far back!
ReplyDeleteEither that, or they are extremely well-developed prepubescents, which is possibly more disturbing...
DeleteI'm ok with the naked Graces. I feel like I would have been a supermodel in another era.
ReplyDeleteMe too! There should be a push to bring back classical beauty standards. But possibly with more bathing.
DeleteI never realized that the gods (garces) did tats. The blo
ReplyDeletend clearly has a tribal (floral) arm band tat on her left arm?
I wasn't quite sure whether it was a tattoo or a jeweled armband. She looks sassy enough to have a tat, though.
Deleteoh the three graces.
ReplyDeletesluts.
Totally the classical version of "Girls Gone Wild."
DeleteThe left Grace is giving the viewer a dirty look. "Take your eyes off my crotch" might be what she's thinking.
ReplyDeleteIt might indeed. But if you turn up for class in the nude, I think you need to be prepared for a certain amount of staring.
DeleteI didn't even notice the tormented portrait on the ground! Maybe he's the world's first peeping Tom. That is a pretty good disguise for creeping.
ReplyDeleteIt is! You need to be strategic in where you put your floor-portholes disguised as picture frames.
Delete