It's Tough to Be the Queen - Part 8

Last time on As the World Turns (Around Marie de’ Medici), her hubby Henry presented her with a disappointing representation of imperial domination in the form of a small orb.  This time things get real, with her actual coronation to become Queen of France.

Besides my pop-cultural training that immediately makes me expect the cardinals in red to leap forward and shout, “NOBODY expects the Spanish inquisition!”, a few things are noteworthy in this painting.

First, apparently royal coronations were pet-friendly affairs.  These dogs are practically on the dais, in position to jump and wee with joy on the new queen’s impressive blue train at a moment’s notice.  I think they are hoping that someone will throw the Orb of Royal Power so they can fetch it.

Next, while most of the crowd is raptly watching the coronation proceedings, in the back there are a couple of guys who look about ready to start a brawl. 

Maybe this was the early equivalent of sport hooliganism, and the supporters of opposing would-be regents are going to go at it?

Perhaps most striking, however, is the pair of angels that have entered the proceedings riding on weather patterns that are unusual for the typical indoor event.  Furthermore, they are dumping gold over the crowd.

And almost NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION TO THIS. 

Now, if this were meant to be a symbolic representation of divine sanction of the new queen, raining divine bounty upon her invisible to the masses, that would be one thing.  But there are some people looking up and desperately scrabbling for the golden showers.

This would seem to imply that it is a thing that is actually happening in the room, and 90% of the people just don’t think indoor cloud formations with winged beings throwing around cash money is worth noticing.

Poke the Wound of Christ

I was watching Bill Bailey last week, and came across this bit where he basically steals my job here and talks about paintings of Doubting Thomas.  This is a popular vignette taken from the Gospel of John, where Jesus returns from the grave and all the disciples seem him but Thomas.  So they tell him, “Hey Tom, Jesus totally came back from the dead,” and he’s all like, “Yeah whatever guys, I’ll believe it when I literally stick my hand in his still-gaping wounds,” and then Jesus appears again and goes “You asked for it,” and wound-poking commences.

This week I’ll do a quick review of a Thomas Poking Jesus painting, and let you watch the video for a broader overview of the genre (with Greek subtitles, for all my Greek readers...although in this case Koine might have been more appropriate).  This particular one is by 17^th century Dutch painter Hendrick ter Brugghen.

First, here is Jesus forcing Thomas’ finger into the wound in his side.  Early diagnostic imaging at its best!

This is fairly unpleasant business.  Understandably, some of the audience is looking away, presumably at some passing birds, or maybe some happy butterflies.

However, one person is looking on with interest. 

This creepy old man is going, “Hmm, penetration of gaping flesh wounds…how fascinating.  Now, just a little to the left…”

For me, perhaps the creepiest part of this image is Jesus himself, pushing someone else’s finger into his ribcage, slightly lumpy face balanced between patience and irritation. 

I saw this and thought, “Oh no!  Mentally unbalanced Smeagol is about to strangle that man!”

You touched the Precious...body of Christ...

 That would be one way to ensure Thomas doubted no more.

Jilted Hulk SMASH (NSFW)

Dear readers, this week I thought we would take a look at ukiyo-e, Japanese woodblock prints especially popular in the 18th and 19th centuries.  I knew that there were lots of them featuring portraits of actors or geisha of the period, scenes from books or plays, and famous landscapes and seasonal images.  What I forgot when I fired up the WikiPaintings search was that hardcore sex and vengeance were also pretty popular.  Here at SARFT, we feel that if it’s pre-20^th century, it must be worthwhile art.  However, because this is a classy blog, I decided to go with one that does not depict explicit carnal embrace. 

Utagawa Kunisada, Tokaido 53 Stations, #C

Instead, we have the saddest, most awkward version of the Hulk ever, preparing to throw a shelf full of baskets and fans at a couple that I must assume is asleep.  How they are remaining asleep with a rage-shrieking nude man with mutant hip joints (among other things) stomping around, and another lady screaming at the intrusion of their cozy ménage à trois, I am not sure.  They must have gotten really tired.  Which, given some of the activities depicted in this artist’s other prints, would not surprise me actually.  Also the way the wall is depicted in the background, it kind of looks like there are bees swarming around the shelf, which would really make the scene that much more exciting.

Meet James Ensor (Belgium's Famous Painter)

I must confess that everything I knew about James Ensor before doing this post I learned from this song by They Might Be Giants.  Thus I knew that he lived with his mother and the torments of Christ (who make great roommates!).  I don't know much more now that I have looked him up, but I did discover that he was a vindictive, sarcastic bastard who was obsessed with “artistic revenge”, and really that makes me like him all the more.

Thus we have this painting, "Les cuisiniers dangereux" (The Dangerous Cooks). 

(Source)

This evidently satirizes his struggles with “Les Vingts,” a group of Belgian painters.  Two men he has some issues with, Octave Mause and Edmond Picard, are shown as ruthless cooks serving up Ensor’s head on a platter à la John the Baptist.

First off, let me just observe that whichever one has his head on a plate has a fantastic mustache.  It goes so well with his aloof demeanor.  I do wonder at the tools he carries with him, however…

It looks like some kind of freaky multi-knife holster, which makes some sense for a chef.  But what is that dangling off of it?  It looks like a mobile phone charm of a donkey or something, which would be only slightly less out of place if this were not painted in the 19^th century.

In the back, we see some diners who I can only assume are art critics.

I am not sure how Teddy Roosevelt got an invite to a Belgian art critic dinner, but whatever.  Some of the diners are obviously not impressed, as they vomit spectacularly over the table.

On the staircase behind the diners, an Asian man slinks up the stairs carrying a flaming…stick?  Match?  Cigarette?  In any case, someone is dumping a kettle of coffee on his head from behind a door, because Social Commentary.

In other news, there is a bird-lady laying an egg while she hangs by the neck.  It doesn’t look like you’d get much meat off her, being so much foot and feather, so I’m not sure why she’s strung up when she’s clearly still economically viable as an egg-producer.

Finally there is this adorable monacled dwarf pig-man, and his lobster sidekick with a fantastic schnoz.

Europe Overcome by Bull

After last week’s disappointingly normal entries, this week we are back with more from the mythological naked lady lover, François Boucher.  It’s a double feature again, because these two works form a thematic set of being totally blasé about abduction and sexual assault. 

The paintings represent the story of the abduction and rape of the woman Europa (sometimes used as a personification of Europe).  The story goes like this: in a totally out of character move, Zeus has the hots for Europa, so he disguises himself as an animal to get close to her and have sweet, sweet bestial sex.  Remember the swan?  This time it’s a white bull.  Which I guess is at least slightly more anatomically plausible in terms of human-animal proportions, if you want to consider the logistics, which I really don’t.

So, he transforms into a bull and hides out in her father’s herd.  Europa and friends are hanging out and gathering flowers, because that was the only acceptable lady-activity in ancient times besides being lusted after.  In the midst of the flower-gathering, she spots the bull and starts caressing it, apparently not questioning the fact that she’s never seen this particular bull before.  Maybe Zeus had some background info on her personal preferences and the bull wasn’t such a longshot choice of animal, after all.  Anyway, eventually she sits on the Mystery Bull’s back, and at this point Zeus the Bull seizes the opportunity to zoom off into the sea and swim to Crete with her.  Presumably it’s this point that he rapes her, although Wikipedia tactfully only mentions that he made her queen of Crete.

The first painting is “The Abduction of Europa.”

This is the most laid-back abduction ever.  First off, the “abducted” lady is surrounded by people, none of whom seem to bat an eye at the random bull their friend has plonked down on like some kind of smelly La-Z-Boy. 

They’re more like, “Hey Europa, want some more flowers to adorn that adorable bull?  He’s so kewwwwwt.”

Europa herself doesn’t seem terribly concerned by the situation.  She’s not even paying much attention to the naked baby angel she has on a leash, who frankly looks way more threatening than the bull.  She’s just sort of staring blankly into space, enjoying her very comfy, loose-fitting garb. 

Even the bull isn’t in a rush to get up.  The random naked man coming out of the sea (who no one seems to notice) is more concerned with the situation, whispering, “Uh, hey, Zeus, you might want to get a move on with the whole abduction thing before Hera notices what you’re doing.  Again.” 

The dude behind him in the water is the most concerned of anyone, wondering to himself, “Is this really a smart abduction plan?  Having a bovine swim to an island, with nothing to hold the woman in place?  Should we at least knock her out?  No?  Ok then.”

Now we get to the second painting, “The Rape of Europa.” 

This is also the most laid-back rape ever, as Europa still doesn’t seem to have noticed that anything is amiss.  Maybe she goes long-distance swimming with bulls as a part of her regular health routine.  Frankly this looks suspiciously like the scene we just saw, with lots of ladies and flowers hanging out, except here there are less clothes and the accompanying cupids look more like they are melting.

In conclusion, Zeus was a horny bastard, and ancient ladies were either totally oblivious or into some really kinky stuff.

It's Tough to Be the Queen - Part 7

I must confess that I have been putting off writing the latest installment of the Marie de’ Medici story.  The next couple of paintings just have not inspired me that much.  However, there are still more spectacular multi-story displays of hubris to come, so we will go through these two quickly to get to the gods and power-grabbing.  If you are new here or interested in catching up, there are links to the ongoing Medici Cycle series above.

First up: "The Birth of the Dauphin at Fontainebleau."

Here we see Marie just after giving birth to Louis XIII.  First we might note that the woman who just popped out a baby is wearing way more clothes than most of the people in the birthing chamber.  Evidently childbirth is much easier and neater when done on a throne.

She has handed over her precious newborn to the person you most want to have holding a child: a mostly naked man wrapped with a snake.  Well, it’s either a snake, or the baby has one freakish umbilical cord. 

Then we flash forward several years, to “The Consignment of the Regency.” 

Here dear Henry hands over charge of his empire to Marie.  Unfortunately she realizes that it is just a ball and not an actual empire, so he has to go off to war to get her one. 

This is pretty low-key for this series.  Apparently it was originally envisioned as a much more awesome painting with snakes and (probably) naked ladies, but it was all toned down to paint (ha ha) Marie in a positive light, which was a bit tricky due to circumstances that arise a bit later…

TO BE CONTINUED. 

WITH MORE NUDITY AND SNAKES.

Medieval Drug Addict Killer Rabbits (NSFW)

Today I came across the website “Discarding Images,” dedicated to medieval book paintings.  And then my afternoon was lost.

It all started with this.

I can only assume this is a rabbit hyped up on drugs attempting to steal a kite from a knight who is distracted with doing the Invisible Limbo.

Besides kites, medieval rabbits had a variety of hobbies.  Here is one playing bagpipes made out of other animals, serenading a man/saytr with a bear head coming out of his butt.

Sometimes rabbits got into disputes, which would be settled via the time-honored dispute-settlement system of jousting.  This one, riding an old man that has developed snail armor, takes issue with a dog that has forced an unwilling rabbit to be his steed.

Other rabbits have less mercy.

But let’s face it; rabbits aren’t the only ones who get into violent fights.  Humans are known for going for the throat in a blind rage.  And sometimes getting the throat isn’t quite sufficient to take out your enemy. 

After all, it’s only a flesh wound.

Speaking of dismemberment, apparently this depicts beavers gnawing off their own testicles and throwing them at hunters so they will not be killed.  The men look awfully smug at their haul of beaver testicles, and the “beavers” look like raccoons about to pass out from pain and blood loss. 

 

Now things start to get weird.

A man vomits into a cup and pees into a bowl while tearing at his hair.  At his side, Frankenstein’s bride seems to be in mid-construction, with heart not yet in place and the skull flip-top still unhinged.  I’m assuming it is female just because of some strategic blood flows, but the chest looks like it was sewn together using whatever pieces were left lying around.  Maybe the left figure’s bodily fluids are necessary to complete construction of the other one?  Either that or this is seriously the worst frat party ever.

On the topic of the formation of human beings, here is an interesting take on Eve’s construction from Adam’s rib. 

Eve is already orating before she even has a lower torso.  And Adam is already falling asleep as she talks.  This sets a precedent for all future male-female interactions.  Also apparently there were a lot of animal tongues stuck out at the formation of woman.  The animal kingdom was not too impressed with the development.

Some animals came to enjoy what human females had to offer, though.

The description says the nun is breastfeeding the monkey, which leads me to wonder how she has the breast-milk available in the first place.  Maybe medieval nuns just had some kinky taste. 

Finally, we end with the medieval version of goatse.  I recommend averting your eyes now.

There are an awful lot of pooping pictures in marginalia.  I selected this one because it appears in a Psalter.  Apparently some scribes were not impressed by the Psalms.  Either that, or they were just crappy artists. *badum-ching*