Well, Christmastime has come once
again. Or the non-denominational winter
holiday of your choice. But for purposes
of this post, we’re looking at a representation of the birth of Jesus Christ,
in part because there are lots of such paintings, and in part because what kind
of Kwanzaa-Chanukkah-mas art is available in the public domain?
(Note: there is probably lots of it, and it
is probably pretty hilarious, but I am too busy to look right now.)
Amongst the wide offerings available on the
theme of Jesus-birth, we’re going with one by 15th century Italian
artist Antonio Vivarini. As we all know,
the story goes that Jesus was born in a manger because there was no room in the
inn, and then a couple of shepherds and/or some wise guys turn up later on
because his birth horoscope said that the stars would bring him presents of
metal and things to burn.
Well, it looks like there must be plenty of
room at the inn now, because the entire country has turned out to see the
baby. And what kind of jerk wouldn’t
give up his room to a family with a newborn?
Heck, I’m pretty sure some of those guys must be traveling with tents or
a cozy motorhome with pop-out beds. But
apparently they are all jerks, because out in the open Baby remains, surrounded
by incredibly sullen people.
Seriously, look at these guys. This is just a small sampling, but nobody in
the crowd looks happy to be there.
They’ve presumably come to pay homage to the newborn king, or because
their daily horoscope said to hang around mangers for good fortune, or because
they’ve been having visions of angels, but all of them look like they’d rather
be home watching Judge Judy. Even the
parents.
The only excited ones? The angels.
But I think they are excited because they have didgeridoos to announce
the news, and who wouldn’t want to fly around with a didgeridoo?
Above the baby is a pigeon emitting
lightning. I assume this was the
pre-evolved form of Pikachu.
Finally we have Baby Jesus himself, who is
perhaps the most annoyed person there, as evidenced by the fact that he is
kicking an old man in the face. He must
pack quite a kick, as the man has a cartoon-style shock aura around his
head. I kind of like the idea of kung-fu
baby Jesus, irritated that all these people have come to sulk around him, but
nobody is willing to give him a friggin’ bed indoors.
You'd think that baby Jesus would be most annoyed by the fact that with all those people there, no one would give him any clothes! I'm sorry, but if it's December and everyone else is in long-sleeves, they wouldn't want their new born king turning blue from cold. I'd have kung-fu kicked that guy, too, for not giving up his cape!
ReplyDeleteGood point - hypothermia-baby has much less chance of being a good king. What were they thinking hoarding all the clothes and giving him gold?
DeleteBaby Jesus might also be concerned that the old guy staring at his todger is a mohel. Bethlehem is not a good place to be born with a foreskin.
ReplyDeleteMaybe that's why everyone has turned up - to watch the Circumcision Show! Never mind the king thing.
DeleteI don't know, as much as I am mesmerized by the idea of a kung-fu baby jesus, it kind of looks like the old man is kissing his feet. To make this wierder, jesus' fingers are out like he is performing a blessing. Maybe that's why everyone is unhappy, they don't want to have to grovel to get into heaven.
ReplyDeleteAlthough technically art often depicts this scene with the foot being kissed, I think it is a mis-interpretation. The baby is frustrated at being left in a manger but people traipsing in and out in an effort to gain blessings. The fingers in "blessing" are actually about to poke the man in the eye.
DeleteI don't understand why everyone is so emo. Shouldn't they be happy a magical baby has come to save them all?
ReplyDeleteI tried to tell my parents I was a magical baby come to save them all, but it didn't cheer them up, either.
DeleteAs M Gorilla Bananas remarks, I also reckon that the old guy is just kissing the baby's feet with a view to working up the leg and on to his real target with some form of foreskin-saw.
ReplyDeleteA cuckolded man, child-birth following a rape, crowds gathering to gawp and straw in your underwear, what more could anyone possibly hope for?
Merry er, I mean to say, Happy um ... thing, etcetera.
It's an uplifting story, indeed. Happy thingy!
DeleteDon't tell my husband there are lightning pigeons. He still hasn't gotten over the common sparrow that flew in the house the other day.
ReplyDeleteFortunately lightning pigeons are extremely rare. It's the lava robins you have to watch for.
DeleteI think the baby is a bit pissed off with offerings of gold, incense and myrrh when what he really wants is Nivea Cream for his skin...
ReplyDeleteThey always did seem rather impractical gifts for a baby. Cream, baby powder, or a blanket would at least provide some basic comforts to a baby stuck in a manger.
DeleteOh man, if Christianity was sold to me with pre-Picachus, sullen weirdos, and a kung-fu baby, I would have been all in.
ReplyDeleteYeah, the story has been greatly corrupted over time to remove these elements, denying generations of children the knowledge of the true meaning of Christmas.
DeleteThe baby wanted pokemon, not gold. Or so I can imagine. ;)
ReplyDeleteI know that as a baby, I would have much preferred Pokemon to gold, especially some of the more adorable ones. So I can see where he's coming from. Unless it was Pokemon Gold, of course, in which case hey, best of both worlds.
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