First, a bit of housekeeping: I’ll only have sporadic
internet access for the next several weeks.
For all ten of my loyal readers, there will still be some nuggets of art
snarkiness, but overall updates and general blogosphere activeness will be
down. Also, just to put it out there,
you guys are awesome and thanks for reading!
Ok. Back to our
regularly scheduled “Fun and Awkwardness with the Medici Cycle.” Last time she got married to her dream king
by proxy of her uncle. I guess it’s
finally time that little Marie finally meet this new husband of hers!
Well, not quite yet.
She arrives in Marseilles, but it’s France that runs up to greet her in
his (its?) fabulous blue cape. Everyone
is super excited to finally have her in the same country as her purported
spouse.
Well, except for the man who is grabbing her arm as if to
beg, “Please! Don’t go!” Maybe he’s an ex-lover. Or maybe he’s just a supporter trying to
save her from entering this barbarian land.
One of the happier attendees is this angel, who is so
excited that just one horn is not enough to express his emotions.
Either that, or the other angel that was signed up for
Welcome Duty called in sick.
Back to people who don’t look all that thrilled to be there,
there’s this guy.
He looks like an angry pirate about to punch someone. Although he might just be struggling in a
tug-of-war with one of the sea monsters present.
So first off, there’s the old man of the sea, together with
a boy who looks like he’s about to have an apoplexy while playing a rousing
ditty on the conch shell. They are
accompanied by a couple of rampaging sea stallions, which are doubtless causing
problems for a boat that is trying to dock smoothly.
Besides these guys, there are also a few plump, sexy naked
ladies helping out and GOOD GOD LOOK AT THOSE TENTACLES.
I’ve heard that women’s thighs can have crushing properties,
but she could literally wrap her “legs” around you and wring the final,
whimpering breaths from your body.
Theoretically this cast of sea monsters is attempting to
“procure her safe arrival” and “help escort the queen to her new home,” but the
painting suggests otherwise.
The captain knows that when your entry to port is greeted by
nude Man-Kraken splashing around your boat, it is time to bring out the
cannons.
Good God, when will she meet her husband, let alone consumate? I'm sure when she does meet him there will be more super weird animal/human hybrids around. Apparently she's a walking Island of Dr. Moreau.
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, Henry had an awful lot of mistresses to deal with; it was hard to squeeze someone as unimportant as a wife in the schedule.
DeleteI can't decide whether the artist has smoked too much, or not enough. It's like a lunatic's brain-enema represented in oils.
ReplyDeleteMake sure ze straps are tight und insert der hose in der leften earole - turn on ze taps at my command und beware das flailing about ...
If history truly looked like this then there's no wonder we're up a gum tree in the present.
I understand that brain enemas were very popular among Baroque artists. It's when they replaced it with ear-chugging that things got really messed up.
DeleteI'd love to know what the middle naked lady did for a living (apart from modelling) because her muscular thighs and buttocks are worthy of a female gorilla. She seems well-equipped for tree-climbing, although one couldn't rule out wrestling, with or without mud. The shell-blowing bow must really hate the old man to be giving him a dirty look rather than ogling the luscious flesh on his left.
ReplyDeleteI definitely think wrestling was on the menu, but mostly with great white sharks, giant squid, killer whales, etc.
DeleteIt looks to me like those poor naked guys are trying to not get washed away while the snobby ones wearing clothes just ignore their pleas.
ReplyDeleteThat must be it! It's all a cry for help. The guy with the cross-tunic and armor looks particularly snooty and callous about ignoring them.
DeleteI've always heard that sea stallions are very hard to tame. At least that's what the guy at Pet Smart told me.
ReplyDeleteIt's true. You'd probably be better off with a freshwater stallion, as they have much calmer temperaments (and are cheaper to feed).
DeleteTwo things...
ReplyDelete1. Back in the day they did a LOT more drugs than we do now. Or it was easier to get them. Or they were a lot better.
2. NEVER EVER GOOGLE TENTACLE WITH THE "Safe Search" OFF. I made that mistake the other day. Let's just say Japan has some serious issues they should really talk to someone about.
Yes, apparently tentacles are considered super sexy by some people, presumably men because I don't know any ladies that fantasize about getting it on with a giant alien squid. (Not to judge any ladies that do...)
DeleteI wish there was a painting of the angel who called in sick at home in bed watching The Price is Right.
ReplyDeleteI think Rubens' "Slacker Angels" series is kept in a less prominent part of the Louvre.
Delete